DrContrarian

I run a ‘words of wisdom ticker’ on www.ganador.com.au – and one of my favourites is: Fame is the cancer of personality. It really is. Here is just one way in which fame eats away at the essence of the person, and it relates to the number of sportspeople who are currently (in Aus at least) under a drug cloud. Suddenly the public is expected to ‘allow some privacy’ for the poor souls to deal with the very stressful time in their lives. There is some sympathy from misguided commentators. The media – bless their souls – generally don’t relent because they understand the equation: Fame is a coin with two sides. Heads: to be known and admired by all, to be cheered from sidelines and the couches. The free meals and the good seats. The pretty girls and the A-list parties. Tails: to be followed by paparazzi when you are checking into rehab, the idiot that wants to fight when you are trying to have quiet night with a few mates. The pressure and the scrutiny. It is all part of the fame game...

In this little piece I can guarantee you complete happiness for long as you live. Follow one piece of advice and you will experience complete and total happiness – I promise. But let’s begin at the beginning: There is an age-old question: when is enough, enough? The glib answer is ‘never’. Or even glibber: ‘when it bleeds’. Or something like that. But jokes aside, how good are we at detecting when enough is enough? On a physical level it is pretty easy. Most people would have pain receptors to guide them through that one. On an emotional level it is probably harder, but still not too difficult. People generally are self-aware enough to know when they are happy or sad – and also when they are making someone happy or sad. On psychological level it is another story altogether: We are told from a very young age that we can be whatever and whoever we want to be. We are led to believe that we are free to do as we please. We are brainwashed into believing having fun is all that m...

Confidence almost invariably leads complacency to over-confidence which leads to’ arseholeness’. There must be rare occasions when this progression does not naturally occur, but I can’t think of an example. There is a truism that’s states: Confidence breeds confidence. That IS the nature of confidence. So, by definition, confidence always ‘grows’ – and inevitably people don’t know when to stop. I am sure some self-help gurus will argue that you can never have too much confidence. (I’d say, think ice-cream.) Some gurus will say that the problem is rarely once of too much confidence and that the bigger issue is growing confidence. To this I say: maybe so, but only if you understand the need to manage the confidence growth – and knowing when to stop. THAT is never taught – and that is my issue. I don’t believe lack of confidence is the opposite of confidence. I am not advocating being unsure. What the world desperately needs, is more humility. Old-fashioned and contrary to the culture ...

Is confidence really all it is cracked up to be? It may be counter-intuitive (hey I am contrarian) but confidence may be counter-productive. When you are confident you are less aware of your situation, your environment and the people around because you simply don’t need to be. In the first instance that makes you extremely vulnerable to delusions of grandeur which turns you into an instant arsehole. (Which might not matter to you, because you are Mr Big) but it matters to the people who buy from you, it matters to the people who want network with you. Granted, arseholeness does not follow confidence automatically, but too often it does. (Ask Trump…) The difference between confidence and over-confidence is only a wink away. Confidence makes you vulnerable to your enemies because you simply cannot physically remain alert to danger signals if you are focused on yourself and ‘being confident’. Confidence requires a high level of self-awareness (and some may say self-absorption), and t...

Festinger sums it up as follows: “ According to cognitive dissonance theory, there is a tendency for individuals to seek consistency among their cognitions (i.e., beliefs, opinions). When there is an inconsistency between attitudes or behaviors (dissonance), something must change to eliminate the dissonance. In the case of a discrepancy between attitudes and behavior, it is most likely that the attitude will change to accommodate the behavior.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eustress Did you get that? When attitudes and behaviours collide, the winner is almost always…. BEHAVIOUR. Not attitude! Not even a positive mental attitude. The importance of this observation cannot be under-estimated. If there is any discordance between your attitude (positive) and your behaviour (negative) then your ATTITUDE will change to match. This means your attitude changes to match your behaviour . When the kids were younger and they still laughed at my antics, I used to play a little game with them....

Having bagged the notion of PMA in generalised way, I probably should be a bit more specific about my gripes. There are some benefits to be gained from PMA, but this does not exonerate those who have jumped on the positive thinking bandwagon. In fact I hope it reinforces the notion that the gospel of the positive attitude, as preached by the gurus who are enamoured by their own egos, is stupid and wrong – even dangerous to your mental health. Being be the parent of high-achieving children (budding sports stars, I have been exposed to my fair share of PMA, goal setting gurus – believe me. And I can promise you some of the shit they teach can have a devastating effect on people. PMA can play a role in people becoming more successful - if success is defined as the achievement of set goals. (That is a whole new debate: What is your definition of success?). But the human mind is like a finely balanced machine – you don’t want any hack mechanic to work on it – and almost definitely not a...

Mentees probably join a mentoring program for an array of reasons, and some of which are likely to doom the relationship. The first thing I will do with my mentee is to establish clearly and honestly why she joined the program. There is list of things I won’t be doing, and the top of the list looks like this: Telling her what to do. Doing stuff for her. Leverage my network. It may seem odd that I won’t be dishing out advice, but I happen to be a firm believer in the Socratic method of teaching. I will ask the questions that will lead her to arrive at an answer. If I am any good, it will be the answer I think is right. I won’t do stuff – I have enough to do. I have a business – a family – a life. I am not doing it for charitable purposes. I can’t charge for my services. Despite the fact that this expectation is dealt with upfront, I am pretty sure the reason why the organisers have to keep dealing with an the introduction evening is because it keeps popping up. I won’t leverage ...